Bucket list:
Hiking
Camping
Strip club
I wrote quickly and hit Send to the friend group chat at 3 am. We just said goodbye after an entire afternoon in the park, followed by a cheap dinner and a long game of Catan, but I need to remind the group that tonight was not the most fun just yet, and there are more to come. We need to do the things in the Bucket List. With each other. With Trang.
We only have 2 weekends left.
So many things to do but so little time.
Trang and I were high school classmates, but we didn’t really know each other. I didn’t have any significant recollection of our interactions beyond being normal classmates: some group assignments, some mutual friend groups, but that was it. After high school, we had never stayed in touch, and since Trang and I were both quiet on social media, it was safe to say that Trang and I would become mere acquaintances. But life has its own surprise.
7 years went by, and we met again, in a city halfway across the globe. My boyfriend and Trang coincidentally lived in the same apartment complex, both moving in around the same time. In a new city of a foreign country, a friend from high school is a valuable social anchor. We met up and said “Hi.” The “Hi” turned into hanging out. Hanging out turned into longer and more often gatherings. We formed a small group of 5 friends, and spent the weekends playing board games, cooking, and going to art markets.
We became close.
I like Trang a lot. She is always down to try new things and brings the friend group along. Her energy is like a firecracker, warm, and makes you laugh. She has a caring heart, making anyone around her feel loved. I believe some people are gifted with the talent of making people feel really comfortable, and I think Trang has it. A true glue to the group.
I always tell my boyfriend how incredible this coincidence is. We bonded through the shared difficulties of being international students. Choosing places to eat is easy as we share the same taste buds for Asian cuisine, and conversations in our mother-tongue is relaxing. We make this city feel like home, little by little.
As an international student, you get either 1 or 3 years to work post-graduation, depending on whether your major is STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) or not. Every year, your company will put you in a “lottery” to get the work visa - H1B. If you have 3 years, you have 3 chances at the lottery, with 10% “winning” each time. If you have 1 year, you have a single shot. If you don’t “win” in the lottery, you must leave the US.
Trang only had 1 shot.
“I am feeling confident! I have got the blessings, so I will get it!” Trang half jokingly, half seriously told us that her mother had gone to so many temples, and prayed to her ancestors. Everyone in the friend group knew the chances were slim, but good things happen to good people, right? Alongside her mother, we all prayed.
But life is unfair.
On the day the lottery result came out, my boyfriend and I carried our phones close, waiting for a message to announce that our friend circle would remain like this for another 2 years. But it never came, and we never dared to ask.
It took a while for Trang to recover from the news, then she was the jolly person like nothing ever happened. Yet, slowly but surely, questions about “What’s next?” emerged in our friend group’s conversation.
“Where will you be next?”
“Will you stay at the same company?”
“How long will you stay here?”
We tried to stear away from these questions as much as we can, through Catan, Codenames, and Uno, but each of us was developing a small hole in our hearts. I had had countless of goodbyes and see-you-laters, moving abroad for high school, then college, and into the adult world, but this upcoming goodbye is different.
It is probably because this time, I will be the one who stays. Other times, my friends and I will all embark on a new journey, to new colleges, new cities, new opportunities. While we will be sad to say goodbye, we are excited for each other’s life ahead. We left the good memories and beautiful friendship in the dorm room filled with midnight conversations, the cafeteria table where we hurried through our homework, and the sun-filled soccer field where we lay looking at the sky and talking about the future.
But this time, I will be at the same place where all the memories happen, without Trang. She left a piece of herself at the restaurants, the parks, and this city where we live. The friend group won’t feel the same anymore.
And it is probably this time, Trang’s departure meant something way more. It represented the fragility and instability of being international students that we are all so familiar with...
My boyfriend and I are both international students, and we talk about where and how we can stay together, when a lot of times the thing deciding our relationship’s fate is the visa status.
I talk with my manager at work frequently about the bazillion of forms I need to fill out to be able to work, and how he can prove to the US government that I am a good employee.
I joke with my friends that it would be so sad not to be able to watch the World Cup, hosted in the US in 2026, because I might have to leave then.
My mother sends me articles and documents from lawyers about how to maintain my visa status, and pray to the ancestors.
The insecurity for international students runs deep, and we are always in planning mode. We are always in the rush, to get paperwork done, to go visit this national park and try this restaurant, to appreciate the friendship bound by the limit of 3 years. We never truly feel at peace, and at home.
In a world where there are so many chances and so many people, we met each other. Isn’t it so nice”
A friend told me this the other day, and it filled the hole in our hearts a little bit. It is true. Despite this deep hole, we are happy that the friendship is deep enough to form such a mark on our life. We never feel truly at home in this country, but we found home in each other. I realize I was so sad because when Trang leaves, a sense of home goes away with her. But how precious it is, to find the security and coziness of a home in a person.
Being an international student teaches us to live fast and act quickly, but we slow down and be gentle with our fellows. The harsh environment nurtures the best heart.
While I am writing this, our group chat was buzzing with plans for an upcoming camping trip. I am looking forward to crossing it off our bucket list.
And I am sure that even after these 2 weeks, the group chat will still be buzzing. Because the sense of home will stay.
sending u loveeeeeeee! nho quaa
It's been a while since I've read a down-to-earth newsletter. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story. I'm looking forward to your next newsletter :)